Last week I tried to be gentle with the ladies because I know they are delicate flowers. This week I am speaking to men. Men are not delicate flowers. We are more like a thick piece of metal. This is why when men talk with, encourage, or rebuke women they need to do so very gently because women tend to be more delicate, (I know a lot of tough women as well, but in general, women tend to be a little more delicate). But for men, delicate and gentle talk usually doesn’t work. Just like you can’t change steel without a hammer. So men, let’s try to look at some of our issues, but in a much more direct and hammer like manner. Hammer time!
While women are looking for security, men are fishers. We are looking for that one great catch, that one girl all the other guys will stop and stare at. She doesn’t need to be safe as long as she is hot. This is why men are more likely to break up or get divorced, because we always think maybe there is someone else more beautiful or young out there. This is why the pornography, prostitution, and human trafficking industries are mostly full of women. These industries exist because of men. It is basic supply and demand. As long as men desire pornography or prostitution there will always be a supply of it.
Christian men also have become quite timid in modern times. A “Man’s Man” is hard to find these days in Church. Instead, our culture’s idea of tough guys fight in cages or in bars. Whatever happened to the brave and tough Godly men of the past? Now, many Christian men feel like they must wear sweater vests and are afraid to even talk to a woman. Men also have a tendency to isolate or stonewall problems. While women typically like to talk more openly about such things, men just shut down or run to comforts like sports, alcohol or work to distract them from their issues in relationships.
So what do guys need to learn? First, we need to know what to look for. Men we need to raise our standards a bit. Just because she is hot and fun to hang out with does not mean she is a good girlfriend or wife. When you are looking for a wife, you need to find a girl that is a good life, not just a good time. For example, you could get one of those super hot girls from the bar, but is she someone you really want to bring home to mom? Is she someone you really want your kids to look up to or your daughter to be like? If mom wears 5 inch clear heels the daughter is most likely to follow suit. Instead, look for character qualities in a woman like patience, kindness, and a servant’s heart that will last and actually matter in life. “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.” (Proverbs 31:10).
The truth is men we are absolutely sick. For some reason we think that the less a girl wears the better she is. We don’t care how smart or caring she is as long as she has big boobs, (It is just two pieces of fat! Why are men so attracted to fat on the chest but not on the stomach?). We have exchanged a good thing, (sexual pleasure in marriage) for a lie, (pornography, prostitution, one night stands, etc…), (Romans 1:22-23).
Men we need to wake up and fix this. We fix this by seeking true and lasting joy rather than one night of fun. It starts with your relationship with God. Just like women try to find security in men because they don’t think God is enough, men, we try to find our pleasure and joy in women because we don’t think God is enough pleasure or joy for us. “If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” (John 15:10-11). Jesus is more than enough joy, so stop exchanging ultimate and perfect joy for temporary and sinful pleasure.
Secondly, men we need to step up and be men! Man up! We are called to be spiritual leaders and instead we have traded that for a timid hope that the perfect woman will just show up and we will live happily ever after. Yes it is good to be humble and meek, (I don’t want anyone to think that a real man has a 6 pack on his stomach and in his hand), but we are also called to be courageous. Christian men are called to be leaders, (Ephesians 5:23). So guys, its time to be willing to step up and ask a girl out. Yes you need to get to know her first, (group activities and Bible studies are a great place to do that), but once you feel like she is a Godly woman you need to man up and ask her on a date. I will even tell you what to say: “Hey if you’re not busy this weekend would you like to get some dinner or coffee?”
Now guys, even though you are great, she still might say no. IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD! Remember, your joy is found in Jesus, not whether this girl says yes or not. I don’t want guys to have the Chinese or American method. Usually a Chinese boy has decided, (even before he really knows the girl at all), that he loves her. So he will do anything for her to reciprocate the feelings and when she says no he is so heartbroken he gives up dating. The American tries to ask as many girls as possible and figures if he asks 100 girls, at least one will say yes. We need to find a balance that says it is ok to get rejected and to move on, but not to the extreme that we move on to every and any girl that walks by.
Lastly, we need accountability. This may not make much sense to women, but men know what I am talking about. This is why it is so easy to tell a guy he is a sinner. All I have to say is that God knows his thoughts and every guy knows right away how sinful he is. So men, if you want to find a good girl, you need to have good Godly men around you. Proverbs 27:17 says “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” When men try to go alone and figure out dating or relationships by themselves they either end up in sexual sin or looking to distractions. Instead, men we need to be open and honest with each other about our struggles and triumphs. We need each other. So men, if you haven’t already, find yourself either a small group of men or even one other man for accountability. Be willing to be completely open and honest about everything, (I mean EVERYTHING). But do this with another guy who understands the struggle because it will only overwhelm and discourage your girlfriend or wife.
So men, may we all know that Jesus is more than enough joy for us. May we stop trying to find joy in stupid sinful pleasures that don’t last and never satisfy. May we man up and be the courageous leaders God has designed us to be and that women want to follow. And may we sharpen each other as we openly share our lives together and push each other to know and live for God more.